bluebutton's Xanga

Thoughts

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 12:39:32 GMT

1) Thanks, Veterans, for the labor and sacrifice on behalf of the country.

2) As I think about this move, I am realizing how important family is. So far, my mother, mother-in-law, and a cousin have visited and helped us pack. Additionally, when we get to the other side, I'll be staying with another cousin, and over Thanksgiving my brother and his wife are coming to help settle in. Between Thanksgiving and Valentines, it looks like my mother and in-laws will come again and possibly an aunt. All of them has been fantastic in being helpful in a time of general chaos.

3) Umm. So in case you only get news about me from here, yea, we're moving. N over the summer decided to get in touch with his old headhunter and put feelers out. This would probably have been a good move in general just because the timing felt right on many levels. However, Monday a public announcement was made that his company will layoff over 1000 workers and there are rumors his entire studio will be cut. So it's a nice feeling to have a job offer in hand ahead of the uncertainty.

N's new job is ironically in a field that I was looking into earlier this year, serious games. Serious games are oriented toward training and outcomes. I am interested in validating claims of cognitive improvement that some games advertise. N's new job is at a place that is developing simulation software for the military and emergency/first responders. We both hope that this new job will have less "crunch time" than the last one.

And about the move, it's out of state to a city neither of us has any familiarity with. However, in the past year, both of us have had friends move there which we hope will ease our transition. We visited it in the fall and it seems like a pretty chill place. I think we're excited about moving there, but mostly we'd just like the move to be over.

I'm finally back on Xanga cuz it's 5AM and our Lil L is not asleep and not willing to be left alone. So I'm awake sitting next to her crib while she plays around with stuff.

Saying goodbye when you can't say goodbye

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 05:34:21 GMT

N got a new job out-of-state and we're moving in a week. Today, we're giving our attempt at saying goodbye instead of sneaking out in the relocation rush. We've invited many of the people who have been friends through thick and thin to have lunch with us. But honestly, this can only be a shadow of an attempt.

Our thoughts and space are dominated by boxes of stuff, all over, everywhere. We're juggling last minute doctor visits, filing paperwork, taking care of mail, coordinating all the people involved in packing and moving cars, household items, and ourselves, coordinating all the people who have generously offered to help us on the other side, and so forth. You get the picture. We are steeped in the immediate, multitude of details.

I think we'll be ready to say goodbye after Thanksgiving.

What I enjoy about now

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 00:04:49 GMT

Being a new mother has involved some standard new baby change, but in my case also come with a major stage of life change when I finished my degree a couple months after the mini was born. I've pretty much been a stay at home mom since I filed all my paperwork. I've kind of talked about doing research, but I haven't really. At times, my lack of academic productivity has sent me into the abyss of existential angst. However, there are some things about now that I'm really enjoying.

As much as I sometimes freak out about how much attention and care the mini requires, I'd rather be available to her than not. Pretty much everyday there's a moment where I feel it's pretty awesome to be with her. (There's also often a long hour of wailing.)

Because the mini is a chill baby, I have a lot more flexibility than I expected to be available to people. A couple times a week, I have the opportunity to be an encouragement to someone by spending time with them. Where it is really difficult to find a chunk of time to focus on research, it is pretty easy to find chunks of time for people, even spontaneous time. Oddly enough, phone time is difficult, probably because it requires having a hand free to hold the phone. But for face to face interaction, I haven't yet spent time with someone who seems bothered that I'm holding or even nursing a baby while talking.

For most of the past three years, the goal of finishing my degree has prioritized my time for me. And basically, saying "no" was the default choice and any "yes-s" had to be carefully considered. Now that I'm done, after taking care of my family, I'm pretty free to be available to others. I really like that. If I didn't feel responsible to my degree, I think I'd really enjoy continuing to take care of my family and build up the people around me.

Sabbath rest for a mother

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 01:10:28 GMT

Arg...I just had a large post disappear on me via a few misplaced keystrokes.

Anyways, the jist of what I was thinking was, given that my work is caring for the mini which cannot be set aside on any day, how do I observe the Sabbath rest? The mini needs feeding, cleaning or soothing every day of the week. In theory, N could do these things once a week, but is that taking away from his Sabbath rest?

Wish I knew some mother actively trying to observe the Sabbath. I guess I could try to find some observant Jews?

Back to the Gospel

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 15:26:47 GMT

Lately, I've been away from scriptures but longing for Jesus feeling that he above all else must be at the center. So I've decided to get back on the Bible memorization horse. My senior year of college, I memorized Phillipians with my roommate and haven't really gotten back to memorizing since then. I started Mark after college but didn't really get anywhere. So I'm going back to Mark and again using the suggestions from the pastor of the church I attended in college. At three verses a day, six days a week, with a 10% slush fund as the pastor suggested, I should finish memorizing the book of Mark around my 31st birthday.

So feel free to ask me where I'm at but be careful because if you ask me next spring, you will hopefully need to be prepared for a l-o-n-g recitation. If you want to join me, that'd be all the cooler.

Also, I'm working my way through the couch to 5K running program which I started in late May. Technically, I should have completed it already, but it's been hard to work around the mini's schedule. Nevertheless, I'm on "week 7" running 25 minutes continuously. Given that I'm lugging around an extra 20 pounds and was really out of shape with squishy post-pregnancy hips, I'm pretty pround of my progress.

Feel free to ask me how that's going too. My goal is to get out of the house and run 3 times a week. I let going out of town last week throw me off, but I'm determined to get back to it.

Frugal, green, and goth

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 06:21:29 GMT

Our little mini is slightly less mini and has outgrown the leggings friends bought for her. At the same time, N's sock collection has been refreshed and we were left with a pile of socks with worn out heels. So what's a DIY mom to do?

Gus had sent me a link for DIY leggings from socks. While the author used cute argyle socks bought to make leggings, I didn't feel like going shopping and spending money, so I just recycled N's socks. A couple snips to cut out the heels and toes, sewed the pieces together, and we have homemade baby leggings. I made 5 pairs in no time.

N's socks are 100% black as in all of them are black and all black. Works fine for N, but a little goth for our baby girl. I'll post pics when I get a chance. They're not works of art, but they do well at keeping her legs covered and they're a bit long now which should give her room to grow.

UPDATE: Photo added

Motherhood and culture shock

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 05:53:08 GMT

Last week a college friend visited after finishing her first year teaching in east Africa. This would be more exotic if she hadn't already spent more of her life in various countries in Africa than in the US. Nevertheless, despite the potential ho-hum-ness of living in Africa, again she was experiencing culture shock.

We talked about ways of describing "culture shock." One way of seeing it is like having expectations that are frequently unmet and being constantly disappointed. Another way is to think of it as having to re-learn and, therefore, actively think about what used to be mundane. This would include things like how to stand in line, how to greet people, how to pay for or shop for food, etc. Basically, the "easy" stuff in life becomes need-to-learn stuff and failure is basically guaranteed. Of course, different people have different tolerances for learning and failure.

Motherhood has felt like moving to a different planet or some crazy alternate reality. At this point, 3 month in, mini and I are on basically good terms. However, having had my mom around, I've been mostly able to get around and do things outside of the house without having to take mini with me. Mom leaves on Friday. And that's when I think reality is really going to hit hard.

Kinda like you never really have think about being American until you're not in America, I don't really think about being a mother when I'm at home or with close friends. But as I anticipate having to take the mini to get groceries, or to meet up with colleagues, or to figure out my work schedule, I'm find that I don't identify with being a mom. I feel very apologetic; apologetic for taking up more space, apologetic for the mini's cries and diaper changes, apologetic for being "inconvenient".

No one has dissed on my being a mother, in fact for the most part people are way more accommodating that I would expect. But I just don't know what's ok any more. Like I was visiting my old office and had changed mini's diaper, but I wasn't sure if it would be ok to dump it in the office trash so I kept awkwardly holding on to it. I know that her diaper's aren't really stinky cuz she's not eating solid foods, but I didn't know if the office people knew and I didn't want them to think I was insensitively stinking up their place. We've gone out to eat a couple times recently, and 1) I've been shocked at how accommodating the restaurants are (providing space and bassinet holders and such) and 2) I don't know what the proper ettiquette is for managing a fussing baby or using the diaper changing table in the restroom when someone else is waiting for it too.

This is like culture shock in that I may have had some expectations about motherhood from the point of view of a non-mother and now I'm having to readjust those expectations as a mother. However, in some ways, this is less like culture shock and more like planet shock. I'm having to re-learn things that are as basic as walking. How to get from point A to point B with infant in arms, in sling, in stroller. The gravity on planet motherhood is different. You would think that the gravity on planet singleness and planet married without kids would be dramatically different. It isn't the same, but planet motherhood--that's a VERY different planet. You're responsible for another life. What the what-the? Time isn't the same. It's measured by distance between nursings.

When you're pregnant, people give knowing smiles about how different life will be, and we tried to imagine how different it would be. But nothing compares to being here now. It's really different and I know I haven't found equilibrium yet.

Love it...

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 10:59:47 GMT

...when my daughter yawns and stretches both her arms over her head as she's waking up, just like the cartoons

About that...

Wed, 27 May 2009 11:09:33 GMT

Sometimes, in my off beat space, I ask myself, "Why are you carrying this little person around from place to place?"

And then I remind myself that she can't walk yet.

Sneaky Italian

Sat, 09 May 2009 15:36:50 GMT

Ya know, when you hear Italian being sung operatically, you don't expect them to be singing about Cylons and toasters

Battlestar Operatica
Maledetto sia tuo cuore Cylone

C'è una tostapane nella tua testa
E porta tacchi a spillo

Numero Sei ti chiama
Il rivelatore Cylone impone
La tua ragazza è un tostapane
Maledetto sia tuo cuore Cylone
Ahimè, disgrazia! Ahimè, tristezza e miseria!

Il tostapane ha un bel vestito
Rosso come la sua spina dorsale ardente
sussura Numero Sei:
"Per tuo comando"

Maledetto sia tuo cuore Cylone

...

Woe upon your Cylon heart

There's a toaster in your head
And it wears high heels

Number Six calls to you
The Cylon Detector beckons
Your girlfriend is a toaster
Woe upon your Cylon heart
Alas, disgrace! Alas, sadness and misery!

The toaster has a pretty dress
Red like it's glowing spine
Number Six whispers:
"By your command"

Woe upon your Cylon heart

~Battlestar Galactica, Season 1 Soundtrack