Last week a college friend visited after finishing her first year teaching in east Africa. This would be more exotic if she hadn't already spent more of her life in various countries in Africa than in the US. Nevertheless, despite the potential ho-hum-ness of living in Africa, again she was experiencing culture shock.
We talked about ways of describing "culture shock." One way of seeing it is like having expectations that are frequently unmet and being constantly disappointed. Another way is to think of it as having to re-learn and, therefore, actively think about what used to be mundane. This would include things like how to stand in line, how to greet people, how to pay for or shop for food, etc. Basically, the "easy" stuff in life becomes need-to-learn stuff and failure is basically guaranteed. Of course, different people have different tolerances for learning and failure.
Motherhood has felt like moving to a different planet or some crazy alternate reality. At this point, 3 month in, mini and I are on basically good terms. However, having had my mom around, I've been mostly able to get around and do things outside of the house without having to take mini with me. Mom leaves on Friday. And that's when I think reality is really going to hit hard.
Kinda like you never really have think about being American until you're not in America, I don't really think about being a mother when I'm at home or with close friends. But as I anticipate having to take the mini to get groceries, or to meet up with colleagues, or to figure out my work schedule, I'm find that I don't identify with being a mom. I feel very apologetic; apologetic for taking up more space, apologetic for the mini's cries and diaper changes, apologetic for being "inconvenient".
No one has dissed on my being a mother, in fact for the most part people are way more accommodating that I would expect. But I just don't know what's ok any more. Like I was visiting my old office and had changed mini's diaper, but I wasn't sure if it would be ok to dump it in the office trash so I kept awkwardly holding on to it. I know that her diaper's aren't really stinky cuz she's not eating solid foods, but I didn't know if the office people knew and I didn't want them to think I was insensitively stinking up their place. We've gone out to eat a couple times recently, and 1) I've been shocked at how accommodating the restaurants are (providing space and bassinet holders and such) and 2) I don't know what the proper ettiquette is for managing a fussing baby or using the diaper changing table in the restroom when someone else is waiting for it too.
This is like culture shock in that I may have had some expectations about motherhood from the point of view of a non-mother and now I'm having to readjust those expectations as a mother. However, in some ways, this is less like culture shock and more like planet shock. I'm having to re-learn things that are as basic as walking. How to get from point A to point B with infant in arms, in sling, in stroller. The gravity on planet motherhood is different. You would think that the gravity on planet singleness and planet married without kids would be dramatically different. It isn't the same, but planet motherhood--that's a VERY different planet. You're responsible for another life. What the what-the? Time isn't the same. It's measured by distance between nursings.
When you're pregnant, people give knowing smiles about how different life will be, and we tried to imagine how different it would be. But nothing compares to being here now. It's really different and I know I haven't found equilibrium yet.
Post a Comment