Being a new mother has involved some standard new baby change, but in my case also come with a major stage of life change when I finished my degree a couple months after the mini was born. I've pretty much been a stay at home mom since I filed all my paperwork. I've kind of talked about doing research, but I haven't really. At times, my lack of academic productivity has sent me into the abyss of existential angst. However, there are some things about now that I'm really enjoying.

As much as I sometimes freak out about how much attention and care the mini requires, I'd rather be available to her than not. Pretty much everyday there's a moment where I feel it's pretty awesome to be with her. (There's also often a long hour of wailing.)

Because the mini is a chill baby, I have a lot more flexibility than I expected to be available to people. A couple times a week, I have the opportunity to be an encouragement to someone by spending time with them. Where it is really difficult to find a chunk of time to focus on research, it is pretty easy to find chunks of time for people, even spontaneous time. Oddly enough, phone time is difficult, probably because it requires having a hand free to hold the phone. But for face to face interaction, I haven't yet spent time with someone who seems bothered that I'm holding or even nursing a baby while talking.

For most of the past three years, the goal of finishing my degree has prioritized my time for me. And basically, saying "no" was the default choice and any "yes-s" had to be carefully considered. Now that I'm done, after taking care of my family, I'm pretty free to be available to others. I really like that. If I didn't feel responsible to my degree, I think I'd really enjoy continuing to take care of my family and build up the people around me.

Lately, I've been away from scriptures but longing for Jesus feeling that he above all else must be at the center. So I've decided to get back on the Bible memorization horse. My senior year of college, I memorized Phillipians with my roommate and haven't really gotten back to memorizing since then. I started Mark after college but didn't really get anywhere. So I'm going back to Mark and again using the suggestions from the pastor of the church I attended in college. At three verses a day, six days a week, with a 10% slush fund as the pastor suggested,  I should finish memorizing the book of Mark around my 31st birthday.

So feel free to ask me where I'm at but be careful because if you ask me next spring, you will hopefully need to be prepared for a l-o-n-g recitation. If you want to join me, that'd be all the cooler.

Also, I'm working my way through the couch to 5K running program which I started in late May. Technically, I should have completed it already, but it's been hard to work around the mini's schedule. Nevertheless, I'm on "week 7" running 25 minutes continuously. Given that I'm lugging around an extra 20 pounds and was really out of shape with squishy post-pregnancy hips, I'm pretty pround of my progress.

Feel free to ask me how that's going too. My goal is to get out of the house and run 3 times a week. I let going out of town last week throw me off, but I'm determined to get back to it.

Last week a college friend visited after finishing her first year teaching in east Africa. This would be more exotic if she hadn't already spent more of her life in various countries in Africa than in the US. Nevertheless, despite the potential ho-hum-ness of living in Africa, again she was experiencing culture shock.

We talked about ways of describing "culture shock." One way of seeing it is like having expectations that are frequently unmet and being constantly disappointed. Another way is to think of it as having to re-learn and, therefore, actively think about what used to be mundane. This would include things like how to stand in line, how to greet people, how to pay for or shop for food, etc. Basically, the "easy" stuff in life becomes need-to-learn stuff and failure is basically guaranteed. Of course, different people have different tolerances for learning and failure.

Motherhood has felt like moving to a different planet or some crazy alternate reality. At this point, 3 month in, mini and I are on basically good terms. However, having had my mom around, I've been mostly able to get around and do things outside of the house without having to take mini with me. Mom leaves on Friday. And that's when I think reality is really going to hit hard.

Kinda like you never really have think about being American until you're not in America, I don't really think about being a mother when I'm at home or with close friends. But as I anticipate having to take the mini to get groceries, or to meet up with colleagues, or to figure out my work schedule, I'm find that I don't identify with being a mom. I feel very apologetic; apologetic for taking up more space, apologetic for the mini's cries and diaper changes, apologetic for being "inconvenient".

No one has dissed on my being a mother, in fact for the most part people are way more accommodating that I would expect. But I just don't know what's ok any more. Like I was visiting my old office and had changed mini's diaper, but I wasn't sure if it would be ok to dump it in the office trash so I kept awkwardly holding on to it. I know that her diaper's aren't really stinky cuz she's not eating solid foods, but I didn't know if the office people knew and I didn't want them to think I was insensitively stinking up their place. We've gone out to eat a couple times recently, and 1) I've been shocked at how accommodating the restaurants are (providing space and bassinet holders and such) and 2) I don't know what the proper ettiquette is for managing a fussing baby or using the diaper changing table in the restroom when someone else is waiting for it too.

This is like culture shock in that I may have had some expectations about motherhood from the point of view of a non-mother and now I'm having to readjust those expectations as a mother. However, in some ways, this is less like culture shock and more like planet shock. I'm having to re-learn things that are as basic as walking. How to get from point A to point B with infant in arms, in sling, in stroller. The gravity on planet motherhood is different. You would think that the gravity on planet singleness and planet married without kids would be dramatically different. It isn't the same, but planet motherhood--that's a VERY different planet. You're responsible for another life. What the what-the? Time isn't the same. It's measured by distance between nursings.

When you're pregnant, people give knowing smiles about how different life will be, and we tried to imagine how different it would be. But nothing compares to being here now. It's really different and I know I haven't found equilibrium yet.

Sometimes, in my off beat space, I ask myself, "Why are you carrying this little person around from place to place?"

And then I remind myself that she can't walk yet.

--Has it hit you that you're a MOM?
--No. Keep asking me and I'll let you know when it happens.

New motherhood is weird. Newly married was weird and actually also disrupted my sleep patterns because it took some getting used to sharing a bed, but new motherhood takes that to a whole new level. My life in the day is punctuated by feedings after which my mother takes the Mini and I get back to my dissertation. At night, I'm on my own for three feedings: midnight, 3AM, and 5AM (more or less). Pee and poo are whatever, breastmilk everywhere? Ugh. Inconsolable crying? [tears hair out]

My newborn turns 1 month today, and it's supposed to take 30 days to start a new habit or so I heard. But normal still feels like March, just me and N, our morning routines, our evening routines, our outlook on life and planning. Starting today I have finished the Chinese month of postpartum recuperation and can leave the house. I've left the house to go to the pediatrician's, but have otherwise been house-bound. Frankly, I haven't minded it one bit partly because it furthers the illusion that life is as it was. (Having Mom prepare my meals and others go grocery shopping for me is pretty nice too.) I don't have to think about how to run my errands with the Mini in tow. I don't have to schedule everything around her feedings. I don't have to worry about her and the vagaries of "out there". It's May, but I keep thinking it is March.

This reminds me of that verse about being "new creations"
<blockquote>Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
~Paul's 2nd letter to the folk in Corinth</blockquote>I've been a follower of Jesus for most of my life, way, way longer than I've been a mother, yet I find that I can also have the mindset that "normal" is my old life. This new life is strange and not real. What does it take to embrace a new identity and to own it?

About 2 years ago, 5 years into my PhD program, I realized that I wasn't an entering student anymore. I was willing to be called a scholar or researcher and could self-identify as that. Some time in the past 3 years, I've grown accustomed to being married. I don't identify with my maiden name; I don't find myself trying to assert my independence and "singlehood". How did these happen? Well, they certainly didn't happen in a month. For the PhD, I worked with some new students and the contrast in their thinking and my thinking was so different even though I could remember being in their shoes. That helped me to see that I had changed. In marriage, I'm finding that I'm doing "being married" more reflexively;  I don't have to tell myself to consider N too. Not that I'm a wonderfully considerate person all the time, but I'm not reminding myself that I'm not single all the time. I've probably also finished grieving over the things I did as a single person that I've basically given up, like dragonboating and going out late. These have been replaced with other things I enjoy like Saturday morning pancakes and hosting tacos &amp; SciFi night.

So what will it take to embrace new motherhood and being a new creation in Christ?

For new motherhood, I think it will first take time because in that time I will collect experiences. For new creation-ness, the time has been there. I think what it will take is perspective. What makes me feel like not a new creation are my stellar moments of NOT Christ-likeness. Yelling at a 2 wk old for stuff she can't control will make you feel pretty crappy. But just as I am not a perfect wife but still a wife, I am not a perfect "new creation" but still a "new creation" nevertheless. "New creation-ness" makes me feel like I should have it all together, to have left all the old stuff behind. I wonder if I need to consider new creation-ness as a process of growing into a new identity rather than the perfect, immediate adoption of Christ-like living.

Identity is a weird thing and something I thought 20 year olds dealt with. But here I am staring down 30, going through the another topsy turvy identity change.

Guess it doesn't matter cuz any way you slice it we'll never get March back.